Dating and Sex: How, When, Why?

With so much-a-do about sex and dating these days, it’s no wonder women and men are confused on what is appropriate, when is it appropriate and how to go about it.

With all the rules associated to dating, it can become overwhelming and cumbersome. I mean, can’t we just date? Why do we need all these rule governing dating? Shouldn’t love be easy? When you’re in a multicultural relationship, rules become an even bigger issue as they don’t always apply to the situation.

For many modern daters, though, sex is initially a test of compatibility — a big one. If you don’t have chemistry in bed, you won’t be going much further. Many try to downplay it, but sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. If there are issues in the bedroom, they will later manifest somewhere else, and your partnership will probably never be solid.

Just like dating sites try to match you by your interests and hobbies, you should try to find your sexual match while dating. If you have certain sexual preferences, you should seek partners who share your preferences. If you are shy or sex does not play a big part in your world, then actively seek someone similar.

There is no point dating a stallion if you don’t enjoy sex. Your lifestyle also plays a big part in this type of compatibility – if your partner is very interested in sex but you work 80 hours a week and are always exhausted, your relationship could have some fundamental issues.

Another issue worth mentioning is how frequently sex occurs in the early dates. This is a great shame. Certainly from a woman’s point of view, however emancipated you may be, your greatest gift is your body. A man who is attracted to you will want to sleep with you, yes. However, if you really want that man and would like to build a relationship it is absolutely essential that you do not sleep with him in the early stages.

Both men and women cannot afford to ignore this advice. Desire over a longer period will capture the feelings and interest of a man. His emotions and feelings will become heightened the more elusive you are sexually. There is absolutely no gain to be had in having sex on the first few dates unless your aim is purely sexual too.

An honest man will tell you that if he has sex with a girl on a first date, he may enjoy it, but he probably won’t want to date her seriously because the mystery and the challenge are gone. Men are hunters and enjoy the chase, and the longer the chase goes on, the greater his respect and the more likely a woman will win his heart.

You’ve been on one or two dates with him and he seems like the perfect gentleman. You haven’t really discussed sex with him, but it’s obvious he wants it just as much as you do.

This is why I have to pause and ask you to ask the following questions:

  • Am I feeling this way because I like him or think I like him?
  • Am I feeling this way because it’s been a long time and I’m just ready to engage in the act?
  • Am I feeling this way because I genuinely feel he cares about me?
  • Am I feeling this way because I’ve been lonely for too long and don’t want to lose him?
  • Do we get along aside from our physical attraction for one another?
  • What else do we like about each other?
  • Am I comfortable discussing sex with this person?

As much as I don’t believe in a lot of these rules…I am also not a big fan of giving in to intimacy too early. I mean what if you end up having sex on the first date and never hear from him or see him again. I would feel violated and used. There are also no guarantees that if you do engage in the act on the first date you won’t see him…so there’s no right or wrong way. It really depends on the two people involved.

However, from past experiences if the guy I’m dating or just started dating is more into us engaging in sex, then I have to consider the thought of not dating him anymore. Depending on where you are in life, your age and what your goals are, you’re probably going to want more from the relationship than sex. So it makes perfect sense to not rush things.

I love talking about sex with my dates once we’ve past the first two dates or so, just to know how they feel about it. I mean it would be shocking to find out he was celibate.

It’s always important to find out why a man is dating and what his hopes are. Hopefully, he can be brutally honest. I met a guy once who told me he didn’t date, he just got together with women. I guess that’s OK if that’s what you’re looking for as well. But that wasn’t what I was looking for so we never bothered to continue talking.

So you’re probably asking when should is it safe to have sex when you’re dating? Like I said earlier, there is no specific time frame…it really depends on the both of you. I’ve heard women say they give themselves a 90-day rule. If that works for you, then great.

However, that may not work for everyone. Whatever the rule you decide to adopt, make sure your reasons for wanting to become intimate align. Both of you should be on the same page. The whole idea is to not have any regrets at the end of the day.

Being intimate should always be a special experience. Relationships take a lot of work and being intimate is just one aspect of the relationship. In recent years, I’ve also been plagued with thoughts on STDs. I mean if we’re gonna be slobbing each other down, I would like to know what he has or doesn’t have. Wouldn’t you like to know?

Condoms don’t protect you from everything. They really don’t! If they did, we’d live in a disease free world. It’s awkward enough to ask a guy about his sexual past not to talk about his health history. A lot of men are not comfortable discussing this. Whichever rule you choose to adopt, make sure you are comfortable with your decision.

If intimacy is rushed in a relationship, it can ruin the whole thing. Be very be careful and don’t ever let anyone rush you into being intimate!

Here are some tips from Lori Zaslow- matchmaker from Bravo’s reality series – “Love Broker”.

Lori Zaslow believes that love is as essential to living as air. On the reality show she helps her clients understand how to make their best first impression in order to snag that all-important love match.

“They definitely improve,” Zaslow tells Celebuzz of her clients who listen to her advice.

“If they took the skills and the feedback and were able to implement it, even if it wasn’t like sparks everywhere, at least they knew maybe how to act a little more present or put their best foot forward or smell better or whatever the situation was, and they took the advice.”

Of course, before love can happen, men have to get the all-important second date. Zaslow clues Celebuzz’s readers in on the three biggest mistakes men make on first dates – take a look at her list below:

  1. Not being present. “They’re on their Blackberry, or they’re thinking about work, or thinking about a past relationship, rather than just being in the moment,” Zaslow explains.
  2. Giving up too soon. “Men really do work outside in and they’re much more visual creatures, which is fine and fair,” she points out. “But I think sometimes, they don’t give a second chance like a woman would. They cut it off right then and there. And sometimes I see with my clients, the minute the attraction’s not there, they can’t give that kindness and positive energy to the date.”
  3. Giving in to fear of rejection. “[Men are] so much more afraid of rejection that they don’t always respond with their emotions,” the Project Soulmate co-founder tells us. “So, they might not let a girl back. For instance, right now, I have a client that’s like, ‘You know what, I emailed her Sunday and I waited until Wednesday and texted her.’ Why would you wait? That’s three or four days, another guy’s going to get right in there and that’s it, she’s off the market.”

Do you feel this article is an accurate depiction of some of the issues we face in this new era of dating? What are your thoughts?


7 thoughts on “Dating and Sex: How, When, Why?

  1. Pingback: Interracial Relationship Advice: How long should I wait to have sex? | KolorBlind Mag

  2. Yes, it does address some of the issue we face in dating. While we each hold on to different set of rules and morals, at the end of the day every woman wants to be loved and respected. Nice article.

  3. You’re right, sex is an important part of a healthy relationship and as a man I’ve always appreciated women who were on the same ‘wave length’ as me regarding sex.

  4. I don’t have sex until I’m completely comfortable with a guy and we can get along well. Sex is like the icing on the cake in my opinion. Everything else has to already be in place before the cake gets iced.

  5. I had to break off a relationship once with a guy who was only interested in sex. So you’re right we each have to evaluate the relationship to be certain both partners are in sync.

  6. Pingback: Relationship 101: Couples who wait to have sex last longer in their relationships! | KolorBlind Mag

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