Sometimes a woman loves so hard…it bounces back and hits her in the face. This is a reality for millions of woman around the world! I remember about a year ago or thereabouts, when Vh1 launched the reality series Love & Hip Hop I was under the impression I was going to be viewing how artist’ make it into the music industry and the struggles associated with it. What I was not prepared for was the drama that was associated with their lives especially matters of the heart.
One of my favorite personalities on the show was Emily Bustamente popularly known as Emily B. She was delicate/fragile, intelligent, transparent and all woman. Why was she my favorite personality you ask? I could relate to her story almost word for word. Her struggle with her long-time boyfriend rapper Fabulous mirrored the love story of millions of women: the Emily B theory – when a woman loves too hard and too much. They give unending thinking the more they give in the relationship, the more they’ll receive in return.
Can you ever love too much?
Every little girl dreams of growing up to fall in love with a handsome prince who will worship her and treat her like a princess. This isn’t too far fetched as I can’t imagine a young girl who has not watched a Disney Story to back up her dreams (even in the most remote part of the world). The illusion is also reinforced by her father who refers to her as ‘his little princess’ and indulges her with every gift possible. So how does the Universe expect us to not continue dreaming well into our twenties/thirties and fourties?
How are we expected to not want a fairytale relationship? For millions of women – myself included, we go into relationships believing ‘our prince’ will worship the ground we walk on and in return for his love we will love him unconditionally and live happily ever after. The reality just like I witnessed with Emily B is, that men only want women to worship and love them unconditionally when their ego is in the forefront.
The amount of love and affection a woman shows a man does not determine the amount of love she receives in return.
Men are emotionally wired differently from women. When a woman enters a relationship with a man she usually lays all her cards on the table and is determined to make it work. A man enters a relationship with a woman for various reasons, and those reasons are what motivate him or drive him to make the decisions (choices) he makes in that relationship.
Is this starting to sound like a relationship book you read somewhere? My intention is not to come across as a relationship expert but to share the experiences I have learnt over the years about love and relationships.
If a man enters a relationship based on your physical attributes, don’t expect him to cherish your heart (emotions and feelings). His motivation is your body which will drive him to worship only that. Emptying out your heart and soul to him will not change his motives in the relationship, neither will it change him as a person.
A normal and mentally stable man does not want a woman whose only goal in life is HIM. A man wants a woman who has a life: has goals and enjoys living. Only abusive (egocentric, manipulative) men prefer women who surround their lives around them! While I watched with tears in my own eyes when Emily B would cry, I could relate to her desire of being wanted and loved by her boyfriend. I could relate to how she felt every time she heard accounts of him with another woman. I could almost hear her say:
“How I wished he would long for me and worship me…”
The concept of the more I love him, the more he will love me back with women like myself (well the old me) and millions of other women is not true. It is an unhealthy emotion and mindset. It is an emotion and mindset that has driven many women into mental institutions.
I want you to tell yourself right now, that you will only love a man as much as he loves you. This applies to respect as well.
If you then find yourself in this position with a man for too long, I need you to exit the relationship as quickly as possible. It’s not healthy for you. “But if I do this, I’ll be lonely, you say”. Not true, if you continue to experience relationships where the foundation is not true love and mutual respect, then it’s time to pause and reevaluate yourself and your concept of relationships.
I had to do this exercise myself. I sat down one day after being so frustrated and hurt one time too many and wrote down all my good qualities on one side and all my bad ones on the other. Then I scored them – I gave each quality a score from 1-10 with 1 being the on the lower end. I then took the exercise a little further to figure out what I wanted in a man besides his physical attributes and what qualities he would need to possess to compliment mine. It was an important step and a missing piece in the puzzle. I advice you do the same.
A mature man knows how to treat a woman!
Maturity has nothing to do with age. In fact, it has very little to do with his upbringing or culture. We are all inborn with qualities; with certain qualities visible immediately.
Do you think Fabulous did not know his actions hurt Emily? Do you think he didn’t know how to behave differently in the relationship? He did and so do the millions (billions) of men who hurt women daily. But they are unmoved, because they are in the relationship with different motives – therefore they don’t feel they are doing any wrong.
Let’s practice this theory on a car. If you purchased a raggedy car at $500, you are going to be less concerned if it gets scratched, bumped into or dirty. Why is this? Because you only paid a very minimum amount for it; it’s not your most prized possession. But let’s turn the scenario around and use a 2013 $2.6 million Bugatti Veyron Supersport 16.4 as an example. If you parked it on the side of a street to quickly enter a store and you walked out to see someone leaning on it, it would take an act of God to not want to tear that person to pieces. Why is this? Because this vehicle is among the your most prized possession.
Men use the same measuring system to value women, cars and material things, although they won’t confess to this…
The more they have to fight to get your attention, the more they’re going to value you. The more they see they could lose you to the highest bidder available, the more they’ll do everything in their capacity to keep you. This has very little to do with beauty.
I was having a discussion with my little cousin sometime back and we were talking about some of the girls we grew up with. One thing we concluded on, was that the less attractive ones in our circle were married while the more attractive ones were still playing the game ‘marry me, I’m beautiful’.
If beauty kept a man grounded and made him act more mature in the relationship, then every beautiful woman you came in contact with, would be happily married and scorning the less attractive ones. The universe has a funny way of handing us life sometimes…don’t you agree? [Let me take a sip of my Perrier water before I continue.]
You’re probably shaking your head because you don’t agree with my last statement about beauty. I’m sure you’re screaming: “but I only see rich men with beautiful women and they spoil them”. Yes, remember I said beauty has little to do with a man loving you completely. I can guarantee you that the beautiful woman you see on the arm of that powerful and rich man did nothing or very little to get his attention. He probably was drawn to her ignorance of him and his social status.
I mentioned earlier about how a mature man prefers a woman who has a life and goals. Those women you are referring to, did not go out of their way to get noticed, they were actually living their lives and enjoying it. The fact that she was happy and content without a man probably drew the rich man’s attention.
Most rich men are bombarded with women throwing themselves at them so they don’t have a shortage of beautiful women on hand. They’re accustomed to having their way, and women let them because they want to enjoy and share in their wealth. So the moment he notices a woman who isn’t running after him, he’s intrigued and wants to know more about her…what she wants in life, what her aspirations are, etc. This theory also applies to the less attractive woman who snags herself a mature man out of her circle of attractive girlfriends. The fact that she’s just minding her own business and isn’t trying to be seen is alluring to most men.
So what does this have to do with Emily B?
Well, Emily revolved her entire life around Fabulous and lived the life of a ‘wife’. Why was that bad for her? It was damaging for her because Fabulous saw her as a girlfriend and not a wife – and rightfully so because they are not married. We do this too often as girlfriends and it’s damaging to the relationship. If after dating him a few years he hasn’t asked for your hand in marriage you need to sit back and re-evaluate the relationship. In today’s world, men have no excuse to not want to marry. Even if he’s the wealthiest man alive, there are laws in place that protect his assets. He no longer has to fear of losing half of his assets should the relationship not work out. So you see…
A man has no excuse to not want marry you if he truly loves you.
Does this mean he never loved her?
Oh, I’m not saying he didn’t love her in some sort of way, it’s just that she was too available for him.
There is a difference between a girlfriend, a fiancé and being a wife.
Each of these relationship titles entail a different meaning and status. When a girlfriend starts to see herself as a ‘wife’, there’s trouble. Anytime you allow a man to withdraw from an account he hasn’t made a deposit to, the relationship begins to shake as it becomes ‘unevenly yoked’. What that means is that as a girlfriend, he only deposits a little bit into your account. As a fiancé, he deposits a little more because he has the intention of making your his wife. As a wife, he ought to have made a deposit almost equal to his entire life. I am not referring to money here – I use deposits/withdrawals as metaphors.
I hope you’re starting to get a clearer picture now of why Emily and millions of women find themselves on the short end of their relationships. As a girlfriend, act like a girlfriend and nothing more. Don’t allow an overlap of the titles/status. Even if you do decide to move in together, remind yourself of the fact that you are only his girlfriend and not his wife. It’s important, because should the relationship not work out, it will be a lot easier for you to handle and move on.
A man does not feel obligated to marry you based on you acting as his wife. In fact, he’ll most likely take advantage of you. If he wants to marry you, he’ll do so without you giving your all. He’ll do it because he knows he cannot live without you.
Emily B and her boyfriend are back together again, but it took her changing a few things before he started noticing her again. First off, she moved out of the home they shared, focused more on her career and learned to enjoy life a little. Things she was not doing while they were together. It didn’t take too long after that for him to come back begging.
If you’re going to learn anything from this article, it is to live your life, be happy and don’t put your happiness on hold expecting a man to bring it you. A man should only contribute to your happiness, he should never be the source of it. Your happiness should never be defined by another human being. If you are having trouble being happy without a man, then you are in big trouble.
Summary: Before I leave…
This article is not to single out Emily B in a negative way, rather I’m using her as a reference because millions of people saw her story and share her struggle. I have the utmost respect for her and her boyfriend Fabulous.
If I have to leave you one piece of advise before I log off, it is that:
You only allow a man to withdraw what he has deposited into your life (heart). If his deposits only equal $20, he should only be allowed to withdraw a total of $19. By withdrawing all $20, he is implying that he would like to end the relationship, in which case you too should prepare to move on. NEVER allow a man to withdraw more than he has deposited…NEVER!
This advise is from one woman to another. It is the same advice I would give my daughter, niece, granddaughter and loved ones alike. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading the article: The Emily B Theory – When a Woman Loves Too Hard.
Here are a few book suggestions from ‘real’ relationships’ experts I recommend:
- Text. Love. Power. The Ultimate Girls Relationship Guide for Texting and Dating in the New Millennium by Vanessa Taylor
- Girl, Get Your Mind Right!: The Tell-It-Like-It-Is Advice Your Love Life Has Been Missing by Tionna Smalls
- A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life by Demetria Lucas
- Make Him Beg To Be Your Boyfriend In 6 Simple Steps by Michael Fiore
- 4 Reasons Women Cheat (everydayhealth.com)
- Men, Women and Relationships (womeninrelationships.com)
- The Reality of Their Reality: Love & Hip Hop Atlanta (rhachellenicol.com)
- The eccentric life of Dennis Rodman (kolorblindmag.com)